There are things you just can’t do

There are just some things you cannot do.

Recently, I was walking through my yard carrying a machete. I was going to whack away at some brush and blackberry vines and crap that were overrunning parts of the property. And it occurred to me, you simply cannot look sane carrying a machete. Using a machete to clear brush, sure, you look like you’re doing work. But just carrying it somewhere, you look like you’re getting ready to hack up your neighbor and bury them next to that damn lawn jockey they have distastefully perched on their lawn. If Charles Manson saw you walking along carrying a machete, he’d hide.

This morning, I was crammed into the drivethru of the local Starbucks, with approximately two gazillion other SUVs. The guy in front of me, I could see, was dressed kinda “gangsta” style…the streetwear, the gold chains, etc…and I thought to myself, you just cannot seem tough ordering something at Starbucks. You immediately lose any cred. Even if you just want a good ol’ cup of black Java, you have to ask for a “drip coffee”, and you have to specify “short” or “tall” or god forbid, “venti”. No matter what, you sound like an effete wuss.

Unless you’re carrying a machete, I guess. But I don’t think the barista would take your order then.


~ by mattbear on October 5, 2007.

2 Responses to “There are things you just can’t do”

  1. The only way to not look crazy while carrying a machete requires some jungle exploration clothing. (Available at Tilleys Endurables, have you got those where you are?)

    Come to think of it, why would you want to look sane while carrying a machete? Hallowe’en’s acomin’, time to freak out the neighbours.

  2. You think the barista is going to refuse someone there order when they have a machete? Hell, They’ll probably get it free.

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