Theological Engineering Exam

5 Questions, 60 Minutes.

You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam.

1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount L. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe’s rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?

2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S.
a. (8 pts.) What is Sven’s atonement coefficient following the act if the sheep was not willing?
b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could not be said to mind either?

3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all-abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy plane. Let Sue’s soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a zero-dimensional point soul.)

4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 seconds?

5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything:
a. (10 pts.) What is Stan’s sin level now?
b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain’t so damn smug now, is he?

Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo Transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?

Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

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~ by mattbear on September 18, 2007.

6 Responses to “Theological Engineering Exam”

  1. Ripped from the pages of a MySpace quiz generator! Forward this to 20 friends or DIE!

  2. if one dies, and does not take the quiz, do they go to heaven/achieve enlightenment/what other afterlife there is that isn’t hell?

  3. Actually from a forwarded e-mail, but same diff. I found it amusing.

  4. Awesome! What other chain letters do you have to share? Maybe something about how much of a crook that Hilary Clinton is? Viagra dealers?

    Sorry for bein’ an ass. I can’t help it.

  5. I got 12. Do I win?

  6. Willtuck – You’re not sorry.

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