He Is Risen

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In 1745, Sir Reginald Van Hurgiss of Lancastshire assembled a ragtag team of scoundrels, vagrants, ne’er-do-wells and rapscallions to perform a task of such importance it had the personal backing of 18 separate heads of state and the financing of four kings, two sheikhs and half of the major Polish organized crime syndicates:

To kill Billy Ocean.

Written about by scholars and poets such as Yeats and Krachow, imagined by artists like Degas and Bosch, Billy Ocean was as much legend as fact. Definitive information was sparse; Billy Ocean lived between 1690 and 1745 in what is today known as Luxembourg, enjoyed a bloodthirsty sport known as “Jarts” and accidentally invented the slotted spoon as a byproduct of ritualistic disembowlings of his cult-like followers that took place on his massive yacht, The Loverboy. The accounts of being able to share the dreams of others, as well as his (undocumented) inspirational speeches were never proven, but they remain an enduring part of his legacy.

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What was fairly well documented, however, was how  he eventually became a threat to western civilization. The impact of his bi-monthly month-long fertility festival on the world had taken its toll. Farmers were unable to keep up with the demand for a very specific variety of pear required by Billy and his followers for their daily hygienic routines. The cost of cleaning up after the revelers was bankrupting smaller nations. Something had to be done.

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While on Safari in modern-day Arkansas, Hurgiss received the request to “remove” Ocean by any means necessary. He assembled his motley crue and infiltrated the heart of Billy Ocean’s cult. His band of 12, the “disheveled dozen” as history has dubbed them, managed to kill Billy using a combination of poison, electricity and lemon juice. Unfortunately, Finland was destroyed in the process (it was later rebuilt).

This was believed to be the end of the Billy Ocean story.

Until now.

Geothermic imagery developed by NASA, through a partnership with the research arm of chocolatier Cadbury, identified an anomalous formation underneath the streets of New York City. Comprised almost entirely of chocolate, the egg shaped sarcophagus had started to give off heat. City officials were notified, but it was too late (see the recent “steam-related” explosion in New York City).

Billy Ocean had returned.

The return of apparently a now 500-foot tall Billy Ocean has been documented in an upcoming documentary. See below.

I, for one, welcome our 500-foot tall pop singer overlord.

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~ by willtuck on July 20, 2007.

3 Responses to “He Is Risen”

  1. I’m going to need a Change Control form filled out to approve the resurrection of Billy Ocean, please.

  2. Forms? Forms? We don’t need no stinking Forms!

  3. Blessed be the risen, for they have seen the truth in all that is Big League Chew, or something….

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